Another Day, Another Adventure
by Hammerschlag
Summary: Hector and his posse got bored doing nothing in the castle, so they decided to go hunt down some bandits. Shenanigans naturally ensued. Secret Santa one-shot for King35763.


**Happy holidays everyone! Every year in the Fire Emblem fandom we have a Secret Santa exchange (check the forum for details); this year, I have been assigned to write a one-shot for King35763. I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Hector paced the hallways of Castle Ostia, bored out of his mind. He hadn't been on a decent adventure since his last spar with Eliwood in Kathelet, which took place a few months back.

"Dear Lord, could this day get any more boring?" As if to answer the axeman's unspoken prayer for excitement, one of the castle's watchmen approached Oswin, who was sitting in the corner of the hall.

"General Oswin, sir! An army of bandits is attacking the castle town!"

"An ARMY?" the brown-haired knight frowned.

"Yes, sir! At least fifty strong!"

"Finally! Something to do!" Hector cheered and ran off, only to be stopped in his tracks by his retainers, Matthew and Serra.

"Young Master, where do you think you're going?" Matthew smirked and folded his arms.

"Bandit hunting. Ought to be fun."

"Sounds great! I need some practice with my new light magic; this seems like the perfect opportunity!" Serra chimed in.

"Wait–"

"I might as well come too. Someone has to make sure you two come back in one piece," the spy shrugged.

"But I didn't say–"

"If only Leila were here… the five of us make a great team."

"ENOUGH! I didn't invite any of you! This is _my_ project!" Hector fumed. At this point, Oswin walked over in an attempt to be the voice of reason.

"Lord Hector, the Marquess would never–"

"Let me handle this Oswin. Lord Hector, do you really think you can keep all that fun to yourself? I think I can speak for all of us when I say we want in on it, and we're not going to let you go alone," Matthew responded.

"Indeed. And would you care to make it interesting?" Serra added.

"What do you mean?" Hector frowned.

"We all count our kills, and whoever has the fewest when we finish routing the bandits buys dinner for the rest of us."

"And whoever has the most can choose the restaurant."

"Sir Matthew, Lady Serra, please don't encourage him," Oswin covered his face with his hand.

"Too late! You folks have yourselves a deal!" Hector chuckled with sincere mirth.

"Now wait just a minute!"

"Come now Oswin, don't spoil our fun!" Serra pouted.

"Why don't you come along? I'm pretty sure Lord Uther would feel more comfortable with you 'guarding' Lord Hector!" Matthew suggested.

"But–"

"Oswin, for once in your life, just give in and have some fun!" Hector put his arm around his guardsman.

"Alright, fine. I suppose I can participate in your little venture as a… protector…"

"Use whatever justification you need. Now let's get a move on!"

When the four arrived at the field, they came across a horde of at least one hundred bandits.

"What do we have here, boys? Four little kids foolish enough to think they can take on an army, particularly one under Batta the Beast?! " the leader chuckled, "heh heh heh, let's give 'em a dose of reality!"

"Remember boys and Serra, the only rule is that there are no rules!" Hector grinned, unlimbered his Wolf Beil and jumped into the fray. Matthew and Serra smiled as they began hurling projectiles from a distance, the spy throwing knives and the bishop lightning spells.

Oswin rushed in, trucking through and trampling all the bandits in his path; his armor was heavy enough to fatally crush anyone who got stuck under his boots. One bandit did manage to evade the knight's path and attempted to axe him in the back. Oswin saw this coming, but before he could react, Hector cleaved the bandit's head cleanly off.

"I had that one!" Oswin shouted.

"No rules, remember? That makes eleven, by the way!" As Hector gloated, another bandit tried to get revenge on his friend, but found a knife in his back before he could lower his axe. The Ostian nobleman turned around, incredulous, to find Matthew winking at him.

"That's twelve for me," the spy chuckled.

"I'm on fifteen!" Serra called out.

"I love karma," Oswin said with what could almost pass for glee.

"I really hate you guys sometimes. Fourteen."

"Oh come now, Lord Hector," Serra pouted, "there's no need for talk like that! Sixt– no wait…" the bishop gathered her mana, funneled it into her staff, and fired a beam of light magic through a group of bandits who had stupidly approached single-file, "that makes twenty!"

"Twenty already?!" the three boys shouted.

"Alright, it's time for the bosses to come in. No one can defeat the mighty Glass!" A swordsman entered the fray.

"Or the great Yogi! Let's do this, Boo-Boo!" a knight said, nodding to his assistant. A handful of others, including a bunch of stupidly-named bandits, joined the two fools.

"Great. A bunch of circus rejects who were clearly hated by their parents. Oswin, Serra, deal with these clowns. Matthew and I will take the others," Hector ordered. Seeing his logic, his posse agreed and the four split up.

As Oswin and Serra tore through the woefully incompetent 'bosses', Hector and Matthew were having the time of their lives.

"Young Master? May I ask why you chose to take me with you and leave the others behind? Twenty," Matthew said while planting a throwing knife between a bandit's eyes.

"Oswin's a nag and Serra is Serra. Twenty-two." Hector replied nonchalantly.

"Touché, my L– oh, sorry about this…"

"What?"

"I've tossed my last throwing knife. You know what that means?" Matthew smiled, unsheathed his silver daggers and rushed ahead of his liege.

"Damn it!" at this point, Hector decided to dual-wield as well, putting his spare steel axe in his left hand and rushing in after him.

Batta stood in shock as his soldiers were picked off one by one. Well, really five at a time, considering the skill gap between them and the Ostians.

"Grah. First I lose to that girl, now my army loses to a pathetic little foursome? How could this day get any worse?" the bandit's words were answered by Hector, Matthew, Oswin and Serra cornering him.

"Final count: forty," Oswin said.

"Forty-five," Matthew responded.

"Forty-three," Hector groaned.

"That means I win at 50!" Serra cheered, "Now I'll finish off this pathetic bandit!"

"Hah! A clergywoman thinks she can defeat the BEAST?! Come and try, girlie!" Serra responded by throwing a single lightning bolt between the lead bandit's eyes, ending his life.

"Well that was anticlimactic…" Oswin rolled his eyes.

"Oh, you're just upset you have to buy us all dinner," Serra chuckled.

"Wouldn't you be?"

"I wouldn't pay anyway! It's improper for a woman to–"

"You _would_ pay. Fair is fair," Hector said.

"All the more incentive for me to win!"

"Let's just get home already."

"Agreed."

When the four returned to the castle, they were greeted by Leila, the companion they left behind; she was naturally upset.

"Where have you all been? The Marquess asked me to brief you on- wait a minute, why are you covered in blood?"

"We're not covered in blood; we're covered in fun!" Matthew smiled.

"You would say that…" Oswin scoffed.

"Fun, eh? Without me?" Leila put her hands on her hips.

"We didn't think you were around," Serra shrugged, "plus, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing."

"Originally I was going to go on my own, but these folks decided to invite themselves." Hector folded his arms.

"I see. Well, I don't have the authority to berate you, my lord. Oswin, I'll deal with you later, and Matthew…"

"I know, you want to berate me _privately_ ," the male spy winked, causing Leila to smirk.

"…"

"Well come on then!" Matthew slipped away, where to was anyone's guess.

"Where are you going?" the female spy called out.

"I think you know where!" her lover responded.

"Ah, I suppose I do…" Leila chuckled lightly then walked off seductively.

"…Lord Hector, it may be wise to separate those two…" Oswin grunted after the spies were out of earshot.

"Eh, let the kids have fun," Hector shrugged.

"My Lord, may I remind you they are both older than–"

"I don't care. Now let's go get our weapons repaired," the lordling ordered and led his retainers to the castle armory, even though Serra had no need to go to such a place.

"Then I'm taking a bath! And you should too – blood smells terrible!" the bishop moaned, sparking yet another argument between the three that would go on through the night.

* * *

 **Well that was fun to write. It might not be as humorous as some of my previous comedies, but I'm proud of it. I hope you all enjoy your respective holidays!**


End file.
